


Don't Fuck the Malachite

by Khafushun



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Battle of Five Armies - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Daddy Issues, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Marriage, Out of Character, Rebuilding Erebor, Sex Toys, Sharing Sex Toys, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-06 11:07:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11599359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khafushun/pseuds/Khafushun
Summary: The Dwarves were forged from stone, and one day they will be returned to the stone. But in the meantime, some dwarves decide to get married to some... erm… very special stones.Kíli is about to marry such a stone, and Fíli is Not Having It.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I nearly called this "If There's A Key" in tribute to Fili's dumbest line. You'll understand why by the end of this thing, probably.
> 
> The real title comes from this [epic tumblr post](https://astolat.tumblr.com/post/144069870158/badscienceshenanigans-0hcicero) about a malachite stalactite. If you've seen it before, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It was also partially the inspiration for this story, but not entirely.
> 
> In fact, the main inspiration behind this was a conversation I had with some friends about whether dwarves ever got married to rocks, or if they just used them as courting gifts... Yeah, it's a long story. But by the end of it, someone had planted the idea of Kili courting a Stone Fili in my head, and I ended up writing this. 
> 
> The FiKi Week Prompt "inspired by canon" seemed like a good fit, even though nothing about this story is canonical.
> 
> Um, enjoy.

It had all started when Svanna of the Iron Hills had been turned down by Bresti, son of Brandur, after she had confessed her love to him. Convinced that Bresti was her “One” and determined to have no other, Svanna became absorbed in her craftwork.

But then, she commissioned a statue.

This statue was so alike to Bresti in size and appearance that it was obvious to all why she had commissioned it. But, just to make her purpose clear, Svanna announced to any who would listen that this statue, the Stone Bresti, would now be her husband. Invitations were sent. A ceremony took place. Hair beads – somehow – were exchanged.

But, even more importantly, a trend was born, and it soon spread like wildfire: spurned suitors from all over the Iron Hills began commissioning statues – some to spite their former darlings, but most said the statues served to mend their broken hearts, easing the loneliness of a lifetime spent without the ones they truly loved by their side.

In the months following the Battle of the Five Armies, as Erebor was rebuilt and inundated with dwarves from the Iron Hills, it just so happened that Kíli heard of these Stone Spouses. And an idea immediately sprang into his head.

And so, just as soon as the rebuilding was done, and the workshops had reopened in Erebor…

Kíli commissioned a certain statue.

 

* * *

 

“I don’t quite understand,” Bilbo confessed soon after Kíli had revealed his new fiancé. “Kíli seems like a popular dwarf. Why would he need to, erm, _buy_ a stone dwarf to marry?”

“Apparently his heart has finally settled on a particular dwarf, one who will not have him.” Bofur took a long puff from his pipe and then sighed, fragrant smoke billowing around his head. “It’s never an easy thing when that happens.”

“And, just so I have the straight of it,” Bilbo continued, fiddling with his own pipe, “the statue that Kíli bought… It’s _supposed_ to look like someone in particular, right?”

“Aye, that’s true.” Bofur shook his head sadly. “’Twas an absolute shock when Kíli unveiled it and it resembled--”

Fíli, who was also smoking not far down from where Bilbo and Bofur sat, snorted loudly. _“_ _You_ were shocked? Think of how _I_ must have felt, to hear that my own brother had not only commissioned a Stone Spouse, but to see that it resembled…!”

Fíli seemed to trail off then, as if the words wouldn’t come out. Bilbo and Bofur gave him a sympathetic look. “That his intended resembled our _father,"_ Fíli finally finished, shaking his head sadly.

Silence. Then, an awkward cough. “Er,” Bilbo finally said. “Your… father, was it?”

“Yes,” Fíli said emphatically. “I suppose you wouldn’t know, but my braided mustache is an homage to our late father. Kíli’s Stone Spouse has one just like it.”

“I see,” Bofur drawled, looking entirely way too amused. “And I suppose your father was also known for wearing stylish fur jackets, just like the one Kíli’s statue has?”

Fíli frowned. “Apparently.”

“And the collection of knives hidden all over his person, that Kíli proudly showed us all?” Bilbo wheezed, his voice coming out at a slightly higher pitch than normal. “Your father was known for that, too?”

“Well, I suppose,” Fíli said, his mouth drooping downwards. “In truth, it’s a little hard to remember, Papa’s been gone for so long… But that’s a memory that Kíli must have held on to.”

Fíli beat his hand against the stone railing. “I just don’t understand! Kíli never told me of these feelings. I’ve done my best to keep our father alive in his memories, to look out for Kíli and teach him wrong from right, just as our father might have done… but I’ve failed him, somehow.” Fíli clenched his fist. “Kíli must still be wanting for something that I’ve failed to provide!”

“Oh, I’d say,” Bofur muttered under his breath, which was apparently the last straw; he and Bilbo burst out into uncontrollable laughter, the kind that forced one to hold onto their sides until they could finally breathe again.

Fíli was not amused. “You laugh, but I assure you, this is a very serious matter to me!” He flicked the ashes from his pipe, then folded his arms on top of the railing and buried his face in the space between his elbows. “Oh, Kíli!” he wailed. “How I’ve failed you!”

Bilbo and Bofur took that as their cue to leave, still fighting to keep their laughter at bay.

 

* * *

 

“And does your intended have a name?” Bilbo found himself asking the next day as he met with Kíli for tea and biscuits. Kíli’s stone fiancé was looming over their table like a silent sentinel, and in its dark shadow, for reasons Bilbo did not entirely understand, sat Fíli, who had done nothing all day but glower at his stone counterpart.

“He does,” Kíli admitted at length, after slurping his tea with such aplomb that not even the harshest of hobbits would have had the heart to correct him. “It’s a secret, though!”

“What if I guessed it?” Bilbo asked, reaching for another biscuit. “Perhaps it starts with… hm. The letter ‘F’?”

Kíli’s eyes went wide, looking suitably impressed. “It does indeed! You’re rather good at this game.”

A pained moan escaped from Fíli’s corner of the room. “Kíli, son of Fali,” he wheezed, “this madness must stop!”

Kíli narrowed his eyes. “Madness? I’m well within my rights to marry whomever I please. And, besides, these Stone Spouses are fashionable!”

“Fashionable!” Fíli spat. “Since when did you start caring about what’s _fashionable!”_

“I don’t know, perhaps when I fell in love with a dwarf who cares about it a great deal!” Kíli gave his brother a dark look, and then, very deliberately, adjusted the fur-collared jacket that adorned his Stone Spouse’s frame.

Fíli’s mouth fell open. “But you don’t even know him!”

“I commissioned him! I’d think I’d know him better than anyone-”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it!”

“Boys!” Bilbo slammed his hands down on the table and gave the brothers a stern look, despite being quite a bit younger than both of them. “I think we need to have a discussion about what’s really going on here.”

Kíli folded his arms. “I don’t see what there is to discuss. I’m getting married, and that’s that.”

“To a ROCK,” Fíli spat. “What can you even _do_ with a rock?”

“Plenty!”

“You can’t go hunting with a rock! You can’t spar with it! You can’t-” Fíli’s face went slightly red, “make love to it!”

A triumphant laugh escaped Kíli’s mouth. “Ah! But I will have you know,” Kíli began, a dangerous gleam in his eyes, “that my Stone Spouse is anatomically correct!” He grinned smugly. “So don’t feel _too_ sorry for me, brother; I made sure there were no… shortcomings… in the design.”

Fíli looked vaguely ill. He gasped, “But that’s malachite!” and slammed a fist against Bilbo’s poor tea table, shooting his brother a reproachful look. “Don’t you remember _anything_ from Stone Safety school???”

“I remember plenty!” Kíli growled, his own cheeks now tinged with pink. “And whether he’s _entirely_ malachite is for me to know and you to never find out!”

“Thank Mahal for small favors,” Fíli grumbled. “I have no desire _to_ find out!” And then he shuddered. “Oh, our poor father!”

With that, Fíli stood up and dramatically ran away.

It took Kíli a moment to collect himself, but once he did, he glanced over at Bilbo with a frown. “Our _father?”_ he repeated, folding his arms. “What’s _he_ got to do with anything?”

Bilbo let out a small – but entirely deserved – sigh. “Allow me to explain,” he said.

And so he did.

"Why does everyone think _I'm_ the dumb one?" Kíli complained, later, once Bilbo was finished.

"I could hardly say," Bilbo said, though a certain conversation about parasites and trolls still burned brightly in his memory. "In any case, you'll talk to him, and set all this right, won't you? You'll tell him who the statue really is?"

The smile on Kíli's face was hardly reassuring. "Oh, but where's the fun in _that,_ Mister Boggins?" he asked, much too innocently. And then he laughed. "No, I have a much better idea!"

 


	2. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick thing to tide you over until the real second chapter is ready!

“Fíli, would you hurry up? I want to buy some of the rock sugar before they run out!”

“I’m… coming...” Fíli wheezed as he slowly made his way toward the merchants’ carnival. They were progressing at a snail’s pace thanks to Kíli’s stone fiancé, whom Fíli was pulling along with a rope. “Why am I doing this again?” he gasped once he finally caught up to his brother. “He’s _your_ intended, not mine!”

Kíli crossed his arms. “You’re the one who insisted on chaperoning our date today. Why, I’ll never know.”

“ _M_ _alachite,”_ Fíli hissed between his teeth. “Can’t let you do anything– ” he gave the rope a good tug, “–stupid.”

Kíli rolled his eyes. “Well, if you’re going to tag along, you might as well make yourself useful.” He tilted his head to the side and gave his statue a thoughtful look. “Do you suppose Daddy likes rock sugar, too?”

Fíli froze in his tracks and tried not to gag too blatantly.

“Silly question,” Kíli continued blithely. “ _Everyone_ likes rock sugar.” He looked over at Fíli and batted his eyes. “Would you run ahead and buy us some? Pretty please?”

“I will if you’ll stop calling him that.” Fíli dropped the rope and dug in his pockets for his coin purse. “Do I really need to buy three sticks, or will two suffice?”

“Well, Fíli, I’ve started eating for two now...”

Fíli groaned and threw his brother a distinctly unamused glance. “I should have known you’d take this as an opportunity to start eating double portions.”

“What can I say, I like my food just as I like my mead: plentiful.” Kíli raised his eyebrows expectantly. “So? Candy?”

Fíli sighed. _“Fine._ I’ll be right back.” He pointed an accusing finger at Kíli and his stone fiancé. “No funny business while I’m gone, all right?”

“Who, me?” Kíli wrapped his arms around his statue’s waist. “Just don’t be gone _too_ long, or I may not be able to help myself to–”

Fíli screamed in horror, then ran away toward the rock candy stalls.

 

* * *

 

“My poor coin pouch,” Fíli groaned later that evening as he stared at his nearly empty purse. They were sitting in the middle of Bombur’s soup shop, the most in-demand restaurant in all of Erebor – and that meant the most expensive. Bombur had, of course, offered their meals on the house, but Fíli was too gracious – or perhaps too proud – to take the offer.

He nearly regretted that, now. He held his face in his hands and moaned, “This is the most expensive date I’ve ever been on, and it’s not even my date!”

“You’ve done Daddy proud,” Kíli said, slurping down his second bowl of stew. “You’ve been a perfect gentleman, and you’ve shown his other son a nice time, too.”

Fíli raised an eyebrow. “I thought this was a date between the two of you, not us.”

Kíli set his spoon down and gave Fíli a fondly exasperated look. “Of _course_ it is. Silly me.” He resumed eating. Then, with uncharacteristic hesitation: “Still, it was fun today… wasn’t it?”

Fíli snorted. “Yes, I imagine you’ve had a _grand_ time, what with all the free food, free entry to the Crystal Gardens – and not to mention all those free carnival rides – which, I might add, I had to sit _all by myself_ for, since you and… that _thing...”_ Fíli waved his hand in the direction of Kíli’s stone fiancé, “just _had_ to sit together for everything. Nearly broke the ferris wheel, you two did!”

“You didn’t have to come, you know.” Kíli glanced down at his soup bowl and gave it a dark look. “If being with me is so awful.”

Now, that wouldn’t do. Fíli wasn’t _completely_ oblivious to his brother’s moods (even if he had failed to notice a certain other, rather obvious, fact about Kíli’s recent life), and he couldn’t let this stand. He reached across the table and covered his brother’s hand with one of his own.

“It hasn’t been _awful,_ Kíli. In fact, I’ve enjoyed spending time with you today, only...” Fíli trailed off and smiled sadly. “I know you don’t actually want me here right now.”

“That’s not true!” Kíli’s voice was hoarse.

“Well, I suppose you’ve appreciated having someone around to pay for everything,” Fíli quipped. “And to actually respond when you’re talking – though I suppose you talk enough for two, as well as eat.”

“ _Fíli.”_

“But yes, it’s been fun,” Fíli smiled; the bite was gone from his voice, replaced instead with a warmer tone. “I could hear you laughing all the way down the ice mountain, you know, in those sleds. It was...”

“Yes?” Kíli asked, perking up.

 _Beautiful. Irresistible._ Fíli blinked. And said neither of those things.

“Fun,” he said instead. “Yes. Fun’s the word.” Fíli pulled away and stared at his now empty hands. “I’m glad you enjoyed it, too.”

It was silent between them then, save for the talking of the other patrons around them. It was an unusual, unfamiliar silence – Fíli wasn’t used to not knowing what to say around his brother. But then again, it had been a very strange week.

“The carnival’s running for a few more days, you know,” Kíli said at last, looking up at Fíli and giving him a hesitant smile. “We could come again.”

Fíli nodded his head, but one thing was still bothering him.

“Could we, perhaps...” Fíli swallowed awkwardly. “Could we leave… _Daddy…_ at home next time? It’s just,” he added quickly, “my arms are sore. From pulling him around everywhere.”

Kíli bit his lip, but it made no difference. He started to laugh, then: _“Fine,_ we’ll leave him at home next time.”

Fíli let out a silent sigh of relief. “But he’ll still be with us in spirit, of course!” he hastily reassured his brother.

Kíli just rolled his eyes. “Whatever floats your boat...”

And with that, it was a date.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you said you wanted more, and so more you shall have! Stay tuned for the conclusion, and thanks for reading :)


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Probably_ nsfw, so there's a new rating now! (No smut though, sorry~) A big thanks to Anathema_Cat for the beta read!!

Bilbo Baggins was feeling rather disgruntled.

Kíli was getting married to the Stone Fíli in less than twenty-four hours’ time, yet he _still_ hadn’t made a move to set things straight with his brother. Bilbo had noticed the two were getting along again – spending time together without the stone version of Fíli present, for instance – but for some reason the wedding between the dwarf and the rock was _still_ _happening._

“Perhaps they’re fine with the arrangement,” Bofur suggested. “Fíli may not return his brother’s affections–”

“Bofur,” Bilbo cut in, feeling the beginnings of a headache forming, “Fíli thinks the statue is his _father._ Still. And I’m certain it’s not mere _brotherly_ concern that’s fueled his distaste for the whole affair.” He let a frustrated huff escape. “He’s _jealous.”_

Bofur frowned, puffed on his pipe for a bit. “Fíli takes his duty as an older brother awfully seriously, though. Far more than I ever did.”

“And why do you think he _does_ that?” Was Bilbo the only one in the entire mountain with a working pair of eyes?

Once again, it looked like Bilbo was going to have to save his dear friends from another mess. Clue-finder and lucky number he was, indeed.

“Blast it all,” Bilbo grumbled later as he made his way, alone, toward the royal residences. “This is no business of yours, Bilbo Baggins! Haven’t you learned by now not to meddle in these sorts of affairs? Why, there’s an armchair and a fire waiting back in your rooms, and doesn’t that sound quite a bit nicer than sorting out this mess between Fíli and Kíli?”

Bilbo sighed and kept on walking. He could complain all he liked, but there was no way he would be able to relax until this mess had been sorted.

At last, Bilbo reached Kíli’s rooms. After being nodded through by the guards, he raised his hand to knock on the inner door, which was already slightly ajar. He could hear voices inside, and – not wishing to interrupt – Bilbo leaned in closer to have a listen. Before he could stop himself (or rather, before he even had the chance to give it much thought), his hand slipped inside his pocket and found his ring. Quietly, he crept inside.

Naturally, it was Fíli who had come to see Kíli. He was standing in front of his brother with a determined look in his eyes, and he was holding out his hand. “For you,” he said simply.

Kíli frowned. “For me?” He reached out and took the objects from his brother’s hands – Bilbo stepped closer and saw they were wooden beads, intricately carved and painted. “Fíli, what is this?”

“Betrothal beads.” There was a pregnant pause, and Bilbo had to cover his mouth to stifle a gasp; finally, they were getting somewhere! But then Fíli added, “I thought you might be in need of some, seeing as your intended...”

“...can’t carve any.” Kíli curled his fingers around Fíli’s gift and held it close, smiling weakly. “Thank you,” he whispered. “That was kind.”

“I thought wood might suit you better,” Fíli mumbled, glancing down.

Kíli bent his head, his hair masking his eyes, and swallowed. “It does.”

“And, I’m sorry about all the things I’ve said over the last few weeks, about your intended,” Fíli added. “I confess I still don’t understand any of this, but...” He reached forward and gripped his brother’s hands. “I hope you will be happy.”

Kíli leaned forward and rested his forehead against Fíli’s. Then he leaned back and – with a surprising amount of force – slammed their heads back together again.

“Ow!” Fíli hissed. “What was that for?!”

“For being an idiot,” Kíli said thickly. “Honestly, you have the biggest head of anyone I know. How could you not realize this statue was meant to be _you?”_

“Me?!” Fíli pulled away from Kíli and stared at the statue with shock. “But it’s… so ugly. And I am not.”

Kíli rolled his eyes. “I should have known your vanity would be to blame for all of this,” he grumbled. “Everyone _else_ could tell who it was meant to be.”

Fíli stared at the statue, mouth agape. Then he cleared his throat and asked, “Why does your statue look like me, Kíli?”

“Seriously, why does everyone think _I’m_ the dumb one?” Kíli muttered to himself, before turning his gaze back on Fíli. “Why do you _think?”_

“But...” Fíli seemed to be struggling for words. “You… never said anything. Why would you resort to carving one of these ‘Stone Spouses’ if I never even got the chance to reject you?”

Bilbo had the sudden urge to wring a certain dwarf’s neck, and for once, it wasn’t Thorin’s.

But Kíli had a different take. “It wasn’t cowardice,” he said heatedly. “I swear it. I would never hide my feelings away and pine in secret. But...” He trailed off and bowed his head. “What’s the point in confessing your feelings for someone when you already know the answer?”

Fíli raised an eyebrow. “Try me.”

Kíli scowled. “You would have said something by now.”

“I could say the same of you!”

“I did! This statue! It’s been clear ever since I got it how I feel about you!” Kíli folded his arms and looked down. “You can’t expect me to believe you _actually_ thought this statue was Papa the entire time.”

"I did!"

“There’s no way you could _actually_ be that stupid,” Kíli grumbled, looking unimpressed.

Fíli reached for his brother’s hands again. “Yes,” he said emphatically, “Yes, I _am_ that stupid. But let me make it up to you.”

“Fíli–”

Fíli ignored his brother’s protests and got down on one knee. “Kíli,” he began, “would you do me the honor of marrying _me_ tomorrow instead of your hideous statue?”

“It’s not hideous,” Kíli insisted, biting his lip.

Fíli grinned. “But I’m better.”

And Kíli clearly couldn’t argue with that. “You actually want to marry me?” he asked breathlessly.

Fíli laughed and squeezed his brother’s hands. “Yes! You wouldn’t _believe_ how jealous I’ve been of that stupid statue this entire time. I’ve been cursing our father’s name, wondering what he could have _possibly_ done better than me in the short amount of time we had with him...”

“I’m not sure how seriously I should take your proposal now,” Kíli said dryly. “You _clearly_ aren’t in your right mind.”

“Jealousy is a powerful thing, brother. And you still haven’t given me your answer.”

Kíli smiled and knelt down. Then he reached forward and brought Fíli’s face to his, kissing him with so much passion that Bilbo couldn’t help but blush and look away. “How’s that for an answer?”

“I think I still need some convincing,” Fíli breathed. “Need to make sure you don’t have any latent daddy issues–”

“Daddy issues!” With a laugh, Kíli lunged forward and knocked Fíli to the ground, where they soon began to wrestle. _“You’re_ the one who thought the statue was Papa, not me!”

“I’m not the one who started calling him ‘Daddy!’”

“Because you’re a complete ignoramus, that’s why!”

And then they started kissing again. Just as Bilbo began to think it was high time for him to leave, Fíli pulled away and gave his brother a thoughtful look. He cleared his throat.

“Kíli,” he began, “I have one last question.”

"Yes?"

Fíli innocently blinked his eyes. “Is there _really_ a giant dildo hiding inside that statue’s trousers?”

Kíli gave his brother a look that could only be described as the very opposite of innocent. “Would you like a demonstration?” he asked, his voice low.

That did it. Definitely time to go. Bilbo tore the ring from his finger and fled the royal chambers just as fast as his hobbit legs could carry him.

 

* * *

 

The wedding the next morning went off without a hitch. No one seemed very surprised by the last-minute substitution of one of the grooms – though Bilbo couldn’t help but notice both brothers were walking a bit funny. _I guess that statue really wasn’t all malachite,_ he found himself thinking, somewhat hysterically. He had definitely learned far, far too much about the world over the past few months. Far more than any Baggins should care to know.

But aside from that, it was a beautiful wedding – dimly lit, compared to hobbit ceremonies, with an odd emphasis on trading jewels and fancy rocks – but beautiful nonetheless. True, Bilbo thought it strange that the Stone Fíli had been “invited” – it was seated in a place of honor between Thorin and Dis – but that was easy enough to ignore (for all but Dwalin, who had been unfortunate enough to be seated behind Kíli’s erstwhile fiancé).

And so, Fíli and Kíli’s strange (and remarkably quick) courtship came to an agreeable conclusion. There was just one question left: what would become of the Stone Fíli, now that he was no longer needed?

As it happened, there was a hall of kings deep within the royal partitions of Erebor, where statues carved in the likenesses of all her former sovereigns stood tall and proud. It was there that the Stone Fíli was eventually consigned, though some considered it a tad presumptuous: Fíli was not yet king, and likely wouldn’t be for a good long while. But Thorin didn’t seem to mind, and that seemed to settle the matter for everyone else.

The statue occasionally went missing, however.

Bilbo did not care to speculate on the reasons why. Bofur and the rest were certain it was some sort of prank between the newlyweds, perhaps a joke to commemorate the rather odd start to their courtship, and Bilbo was more than happy to let them think that, thank you very much. But after overhearing what he had heard, and seeing what he had seen, he had his doubts that the truth was anything quite so innocent.

The important thing, he supposed, was that Fíli and Kíli were happy, and that they were happy _together,_ rather than redirecting their affections (or frustrations) onto some stone surrogate. Perhaps the institution of the Stone Spouse was a helpful idea for some, but Bilbo (despite being a lifelong bachelor) couldn’t help but think Fíli had the right of it all along: what did one _do_ with a rock – besides, perhaps, fuck it?

Bilbo’s skepticism would soon prove prescient. In fact, as Fíli and Kíli were now the most popular and famous couple under the mountain, Kíli’s rejection of his own Stone Spouse was bound to have a ripple effect.

A new trend was due to emerge. Of a sort.

 

* * *

 

It happened shortly after Fíli and Kíli returned from their honeymoon.

Rumors of the surprise in the Stone Fíli’s pants began to spread, and suddenly every single member of Fíli’s fan club wanted it. Shippers and roleplayers the mountain over _needed_ it. A market was growing. And, out of the chaos, a new sex toy company emerged: Wedge, Inc.

Wedge, Inc., promised to deliver the most sophisticated dildo that Middle-earth had ever seen. Boasting a “princely girth” and the ability to satisfy “even that _other_ prince,” the dildo in question was a work of art. Anatomically correct in nearly every way, it was clearly the handiwork of someone with a very intimate knowledge – and appreciation – of their subject.

It was called “The FILE” – just the slightest change in spelling to avoid royal retribution, but still obvious enough for even the Fílis of the world to figure out who had inspired it.

The FILE was, needless to say, an immediate sensation. Thanks to the power of dwarf magic, it could vibrate. It had a base that made it safe for anal insertion.  There was even a double-ended variety designed for the impatient couple who both just _needed_ some of that Stone Fíli loving ASAP. And, of course: “No malachite – ever!”

Naturally, word began to spread about the pleasures that only Wedge, Inc.’s products could deliver: first throughout Erebor, and then… the world.

Their most prominent spokesperson was Svanna of the Iron Hills, who famously threw aside her Stone Spouse and cried out, “Bresti _who?!”_ shortly after purchasing her very own FILE.

Almost immediately, Stone Spouse imports from the Iron Hills dropped, and exports of the FILE exploded. Erebor’s coffers were soon overflowing with gold once more – new gold, and lots of it, and none of it smelled of dragon.

It was a win for the economy. It was a win for prosperity. But, most importantly, it was a win for true love. And great sex.

“Thank you, Daddy,” Kíli whispered to his former stone fiancé one morning while lounging in his new personal river of gold. “Erebor is truly back on the map thanks to you!”

 _“Ahem,”_ the real Fíli cut in from the other side of their gold coin pool. He had plaited his hair with rubies that morning, and he was feeling quite put out that his brother hadn’t noticed yet. “I rather think _I’ve_ had more to do with our recent success than he has!”

Kíli bit back a laugh. “I’m sorry. _Dear._ Of _course_ you have.” He waded over to where Fíli was sulking and gave him a big kiss. “It’s just that green is such a nice look on you!”

“Rubies are _red_ , brother,” Fíli admonished. “But I’m glad you like them on me.”

Kíli just wrapped his arms around Fíli and laughed for a good long while.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all of your comments and kudos! It's really meant a lot :') Hope you enjoyed it :D


End file.
